Anxiety

My anxiety probably comes from the fact that I have sleepless nights because I experience immense dread as if a bomb would fall on the building where I reside.

It wasn't constant, it would just come randomly, but always late at night. At some rare moments, I would randomly feel the immense dread when I am walking alone in the evening, thinking someone will shoot me.

The event would be triggered by my thoughts of thinking of the bombarding of Yugoslavia that happened in 1999. Also at that time criminal was in high rates, so people weren't suprised if they saw two guys just shooting from their guns at eachother. My parents have lived through this time, especially my father. Father has always told me stories about it. And the fact that the protests are ongoing in late 2024 and early 2025, is not helping. Because my father told me it could easily escalate in civil war.

I would like to talk about it with someone who understands my fears. I would also like to stay away from my parents and never talk with them again.

I do have a person that understands me but that person has similar problems as I do, and clearly, she wants to distract herself, which I understand. I as well wish to distract myself but I cannot help thinking about it when I am living with the very people who made me think about it.

Right now, moving out does feel out of reach. But I am willing to do anything to move out, and I already know what I have to do in order to achieve my goal. I just hope I will not be destroyed or things won't escalate before I reach my goal.

The only way to ground myself is writing about it and posting it online on some secluded space where no one (or maybe 1 or 2 individuals) would read it.

30/1/2025