Conclusion and a wish

I think I have made a conclusion. I should not even try to argue with my parents or be myself in front of them, because that will only complicate things between us more and it will end up furiously.

Whenever I would think about the relationship between me and them, I would always end up imagining scenarios where I would snap and tell them everything in their face. Where I would cry violently, sob loudly and in the end aburtly leave the household and run away.

And I know that is not a solution, the only solution is to quietly and subtly just move away from them, starting with myself moving out when I enroll in an university this year.

It is not a solution because I have been fed up 20 years of their trauma projection. Twenty years of putting up with their bullshit, and 20 years of them not wanting to move away to a better place, and just complaining about how this town is horrible, or how our further family that lives in this town is attacking us.

And if I have suppressed most of my feelings from them for that long, that means my explosion would be wild. And I could not control it anymore, and I will end up hurting them in the end. It is better to just quietly retreat into my own world that is unknown for them because they do not even bother getting to know their 20 year old daughter because their 7 year old daughter is enough for them.

When I move out, I will change my routine completely by knowing my place and allowing myself to wander around my place. For example, I am going to take water at whatever time I wish to, or just simply buy a bowl that will sit at my nightstand, so I do not have to stand up everytime I feel thirsty in the middle of the night.

I wish to improve my hygiene. I wish to shower as much as my body needs, and at whatever time I want. For example, I wish to take morning showers and right after that to brush my teeth.

I wish to cook the food that will sustain my body. Not the food that I'm used to or that my mom thinks I am used to. I wish to buy whatever food or drinks I want to try out and never gotten to.

I wish to play music all the time and sing all the time. I wish for more space for dancing. I wish to talk to myself aloud without anyone judging me and thinking that I am crazy.

I wish to make some places in my apartment to look less empty, more lively. I wish to decorate every single part of my apartment. I wish to hang pictures of my friends. I wish to constantly reorder the furniture.

I wish to clean on my own, to fix things on my own. I wish to paint my walls, draw on my walls.

And I also wish to have a cat.

I honestly feel like a child writing this, but that means I am finally connecting with my inner child.

31/1/2025