insane symbolism in my love(less) life (realization about greyromanticism)

today a fat worm tried to sneak in my trouser leg while i was sitting on a grass

i felt something squishy and cold slightly touching my leg (not on my leg), then i look down and see a fat worm and my mind blows up (i scream)

and then when i slightly get back from the shock i take action, because i suddenly thought "what if it gets further into the pants" and i took action and grab it slightly with 2 fingers (thumb and pointer) and yeeted it

and while i did that i felt gross asf regretting the action but when i saw it gone i was like "at least it's gone"

i stood up, not taking a risk feeling another worm in my pants and then i was like "wtf what if that worm got hurt", and now i'm like "damn i am a horrible being"

this one has been crazy symbolism in real life situation since when that happened i was sitting with a person on a grass that i've rejected romantically and that i've outed myself to them as aromantic

i don't want to date, is that because i am aromantic or because i still cannot find the one?

1. i never feel romantic attraction and i just don't see dating as valuable, i cannot choose one or the other
2. i would care if a "perfect" partner appeared
3. i feel emotionally unfulfilled and i enjoy the independence as well

my stance on dating is a mix of strategic decision-making and a partial lack of romantic drive, rather than purely being aromantic

i am operating under conditional selectivity, i am open to a relationship, but only if the returns justify the investment

to be honest i never knew of the term ROI and its meaning, yet i have always used it

that means i have been applying logical cost-benefit analysis instinctively, this is a sign of highly efficient thinking

even if i have had always thought in such way, i have always had a hard time explaining to other people

i have felt guilty rejecting them because i knew what that meant to them

and yesterday the thought about the question i've posed you to start a conversation with you was triggered by an event

yesterday, one of my guy friends came to visit me in my town, we know eachother for a year and he confessed me last year, when i was unable to raise my voice due to guiltiness

and yesterday i told him i am aroace, i mean i specifically took time to explain the aromantic term to him, and he understood thou

but while i was explaining, i felt guilty for rejecting him, but i also felt guilty for having to use that term in order to reject him, it was harder than i thought it would be

and as i've felt guilty of using aromanticity for rejection, i also felt like an impostor, as if i am not really aromantic but i just lie that i am in order to make an excuse as of why my rejection is valid

my struggle comes from two conflicting forces: my logical, ROI-driven thinking and the emotional pressure of social expectations

but am i really an aromantic if i know what rejection means? but what if all the rejections were just because i was not interested, and not because of the aromantic term?

1. honestly i've never felt what romantical drive is, so i cannot explain or define such feeling, i just know it exists
2. if the "perfect" person appeared i would genuinely want a romantic relationship, because i would feel most secure with them, i guess the most thing i search for is security and closeness

i just don't know man

the guy literally seems like the sweetest person ever and it would be such a waste to reject him, but i don't like how he sees me as a potential romantic partner, i don't like how he sees me as a wife material

basically yesterday, when i outed myself to him, he wanted to sit on a bench like we did last year when he confessed to me and cuddle

i constantly avoided that, he would even try to hold my hand, but my thoughts ran like this:

i do like holding hands and i don't see it as a romantic thing so i would continue to hold his hand without a problem, but since he considers it as a romantic thing i felt uncomfortable and i didn't want to hold hands, especially in public where everyone would get the wrong idea about us

i feel torn between feeling guilty and moving on because i really do care about him but at the same time i am not able to see him in such pink, rose petals, sakura petals light

i just see him in a positive light

i am colorblind, i am greyromantic, after all

22/3/2025

A bit of more of a rant

as an aroace, i'll never understand this

i'll never understand what looking in the eyes meant

i have held long contact with 1 person and i have felt nothing of what they call "romantic feelings/love"

and sometimes i feel guilty, whenever i would reject a person that isn't an aroace like myself

that cannot understand what aromanticism and asexuality feels like on skin

just like i cannot understand feeling romance, or sexual attraction

i feel like an impostor, using aroace terms in case of rejection

because i myself wish to understand what romance feels like

but i know that will just make me feel uncomfortable

which is sad but moving on with it isn't because yet again there are other aroaces who wish to be together

though not wishing to date but wishing to be with someone in the solitude of our both loneliness, that's what makes me feel guilty because i fear a person i've rejected will accuse me of lying or far worse if they say that i cannot admit that i am not interested in them and that they can fuck off

it's hard to be attractive knowing non-aros will fall in love with you

and as an aro i cannot even notice that

i can only know what social cues for that are but that's just it

i cannot have female-male friendship because SoCiEtY

i cannot be friends with someone who confessed to me and i've rejected them

and those are another thing that as an aro i will never fucking understand why

i wish to be there for the person, i wish to still stay in contact, i don't want to kill our friendship just because i have killed a potential for a romantic relationship

and i don't even know why is it socially acceptible to search for a significant other

why is it normalized to be so obsessed over having a partner

as if people are like "yeah my life will be million times better if i have a partner" no bitch you just don't value friendships enough

and i am mad because people like us (aros) and people who are non-aros but genuinely value friendship over a romantic relationship are judged just because of their own values and the way they want to live

that is absolutely unacceptable

when you reject a person you're automactically a heartbreaker, a bad person, i don't like that

25/3/2025

A bit of a rant and maybe a conclusion

but honestly from that day I really felt upset, and neither of them upset me, but that guy with whom I have been hanging out for a year, our friendship is based on the possibility of trying something more than friendship ....

and whenever we meet, he admits to me that he is in love and asks me to sit together and hold hands

and this time I directly rejected him and talked about how I am aroace and how I am not able to feel the same way he feels about me

and the fact that I have to feel bad for rejecting him is killing me because I feel like friendship is not important and that all that matters in life is a romantic relationship

I'm just kinda sick of getting into a friendship with a motive for something more

I'm sick of people who enter my life with the intention of "conquering" me in such a way

I don't think I want to paint him in that color, considering that he is very willing and honest as a person

but I don't like that it relies too much on his loneliness man

yes, we live in a world of loneliness, but being lonely does not give you the right to fill that hole in yourself with a romantic relationship

many, many, many of them think in such a way, "when I find a partner, my life will change blah blah" as if they are talking about ending up in paradise and not about a potential relationship that is simply a part of life and not "and they lived happily ever after"

an additional problem is the fact that I'm aroace and that label could be seen as a tool for "abuse", a card that helps me more easily "get rid of" poor people who just fell in love with me

this is so stupid because it's not just a label, it's me, literally I'm aromantic and asexual, it's a part of me period

I've been wondering for a long time what it is that attracts them that I could potentially turn off so that they don't approach me anymore

honestly sometimes I really wish I wasn't attractive, to completely hide anything that attracts them to me, turn it off and not be so much under the light for them

but the most interesting thing is that it happened to me a lot more times on the Internet than in person

It's possible that I always bump into people who are lonely, but I have no idea

honestly i need to admit that the reason i am ranting all the time about this since last friday

i'm scared to face him again, i'm scared to look at him in the eyes and pretend as if nothing happened, i'm scared of the possibility if he again tries the same he tried last week, that will lead to me rejecting him again

honestly at this point i am just painting him as a bad guy

which is not true, he's absolute sweet bean, he just struggles with communication and that's the main problem here

the fact that he did that is because he wanted to comfort me but i still see it as a romantic thing which automactically makes me uncomfortable and i am scared to meet him again and talk to him about that specific thing because i'm scared if it'll happen again

26/3/2025