my fucking friends....

my friend sent me a message how we must meet in a cafe and how only staying inside and studying is unhealthy and then my other friend did a death metal scream into thw mic and said sorry. i just dropped a seen. i cannot meet up w them. not because of the vm they sent but because i feel like they were unavailable for me for so long and now i wanna be unavailable as well. i'm feeling very good in this isolation as well because i'm quite used to it. i'm used to being alone. because i missed them so much for so long when they had their own life and i did not tell them a word about it and now they cannot last a day without me suddenly. it's as if they want it their way, but i will not be a people pleaser anymore. i never asked to hang out because i felt like it wasn't a good time to do so. i feel as if they don't value my life, they don't let me things on my own, and they never told me i can call them to hang out because that's a thing i'm supposed to know. i've told them multiple timws that i have to prepare for an entrance exam since i need to enroll in a philosophy uni. i don't want to be available to them, i've blocked all their numbers and deleted the app we usually text on. they don't respect my space. i thought "oh well i guess i can hear them out, as a friend does" i was mostly the listener and she was mostly the yapper. i was the twitter, whrre she posts her vent posts and her posts about her good things in life, rarely was there myself who said something.

and my friend was aware of those boundaries and somehow i felt guilty as well because i didn't tell her when she asked me if it's okay, i just brushed it off as "it's alright i can handle it"

i feel like explaining to her would be draining because i think she would say "it's okay i won't call you anymore as long as you want" but i think after that she'll do so again

honestly i've even told her, that i need to study and she was always like "honestly you can balance out the studying" i don't wanna do that because i don't function that way, and she didn't understood that

and now she's breaking all my boundaries i've already told her and calling me to come out

i've said everything to her. and repeated it. and she said it's okay, however, not as long as she wants it.

and because she told me that she'd often feel worse in isolation whenever i've told her i need space, it doesn't mean that i'll feel the same way

here i am, i think almost a month into isolation, (3 weeks actually) and feeling so much better without all the noise

i've wrote an essay (last october) she knew about and never bothered to read it, she just said she'll read it, and that's it

she was always speaking how she was a people pleaser and how she doesn't wanna be available to anyone, but she vented to me all the fucking time, and whenever i wanted to set boundaries, she would say "okay good, but-" and it frustrated me, because she's a literal hypocrite

she might have heard me out few times and gave me advices but she was the one mostly talking

honestly i remember being same as her, i've had a friend in my school who studied day to day for every single subject, she had an unhealthy sleep schedule and procastionated a lot, so she always studied to morning hours before an exam

and she was the kind of girl who never went to a club, or rarely went to a cafe, and i wanted her to experience that more so i always pulled her to go out, but she'd always reject me, and i'd feel frustrated because of her stubborness to feel validation from her parents just because of her academic success

i wondered if she had a controlling mom, and she did actually, she admitted it subtly when we graduated, though i also feel like i was controlling as well... pulling her all the time to hang out, when i was the one who felt lonely all the time

actually i think i recognize what i did and i think my other friend (who i was firstly talking about) is doing the same to me, because she knew how frustrated i've felt with the classmate friend, and now she's doing the same to me, thinking i study the same as my classmate friend does

though i don't have deadlines, and that's the thing, i don't need to study excessively like my classmate friend did, also philisophy isn't something to get right — it's something you learn through conversations and reading content

i feel so much better, but even after writing it all out, i feel as if she'll somehow come to my house uninvited, even if i've blocked her number and deleted the app where we text on, even if i've CLEARLY dropped the seen on our common friend's messages, where she HAD to barge in with a death metal scream (i don't mind that, i just mind how she had to be included there... and i feel like they've talked about me and compared me with my classmate, when my situation is clearly different from my classmate's)

it's the fact that today i finally got to write something about philosophy and started doing a project i've told her i will start on doing it, and she basically dismissed it, of course, she didn't knew today i written something because i did not let her now because of the obvious reasons

it's just funny how, today i finally start something and then i recieve voice messages.......

by the way i'd also like to mention how i feel like apologizing to my classmate friend for treating her like i did, and i know she already forgave me, because i have apologized before too, but now i feel the need to do it again because idk...

and i know that she finally admitted to me that she has a controlling mother, i want to apologize because i was controlling as well, and in a wrong time because her mother already put pressure on her, but idk i feel like as if mentioning this i would say something wrong or i would offend her if i'd literally say "i know how your mother was controlling" it's idk...

i wrote this and sent it:

lately I've been thinking about how things used to be, and even though I've said this before, I want to say it again, but with a little more understanding

now I realize that I may have pressured you in high school when you were already under a lot of pressure

I tried to connect in my own way but now I realize that it was too much of a burden, like I was trying to drag you into things when you probably needed space or just someone to understand you

and sorry about that, I've probably been the same way lately in that way and now I feel really stupid because I finally understand what you've been through and what you're going through right now, just idk...

Now, like you, I want to have space for myself and for studying, but since I don't have deadlines, I can do it whenever I want, but I think you had it worse than me, since you have deadlines and + pressure from other people

and I'm very sorry, honestly, and I feel so damn guilty for that because I see the bigger picture now

5/4/2025