I am just a baby and I suffer so much

I wish i could suffer more. I mean, I don't wanna come off as a masochist but I just wish I could starve myself and live somewhere away from people, away from technology, away from everything that could distract me and just die there. I don't want to live in this society even if I love these people, I don't want to become like the ones who have hurt me so much, I don't want to get back to my bad habits, I just want to get rid of my flaws, I want to get rid of everything that stops me from getting closer to God. I want to starve myself of every pleasure, of food, drink, of everything. I don't need this, I don't need to become something I wasn't supposed to be. I don't need to be something I don't want to be. I know this may sound suicidial but it is what it is, I just hate the fact that I am human, and I wish I could channel my passion and love into people. I am so desperate, so immature, so worthless, so undeserving, I don't deserve anything of the pleasures.

I want to be dead to the world.

And honestly everything that I am doing right now is just so immature, I feel like a fetus that has no idea what is going on or what is in front of me, the reason for why is it happening or why does it exist. Why do I exist? Maybe I don't deserve to know such, because I'm undeserving. I just copy everything everyone does, I just do as people tell me to do. I just see something and say "Yeah I agree with that". I see a person struggling and suffering and I go "This person is me". I shouldn't be doing this, I mean saying stuff like "Oh I so relate to them" because in reality I don't I'm just spineless little fetus. That's why I wanna go alone and die on my own, no matter how scary it will be I just want to get closer to God because He calls me. The reason I feel so worthless is because I don't do stuff on my own even if can do it I don't do it because I'm a lazy piece of shit. And I just complain like this instead of actually doing something and being productive.

The reason why I do the same stuff as others is because I'm so deeply rooted envious. I'm so jealous to the point I would devour myself, consume myself in envy. Dude, I cannot believe how hideous I am, I am fucking hideous. I don't deserve anything, I am undeserving of any of my wishes to come true because of how lazy, envious and prideful I am. And also how much I complain, how much I don't do anything. I'm so envious and prideful to the point I THINK I have overcame the sins but I have not, I have just came to the world, like yesterday, I'm a literal fetus and I dare think I have overcame stuff and figured out stuff.

"I know why you are posting this, it's because you want others to agree with you" Honestly this phrase just kicked me straight in the head and returned me back to reality because this.... THIS IS SO TRUE. And I wish to get rid of this constant misledaing feeling of wanting validation from other people. It's so draining and it has no point anymore. And since that person basically wrote that they went through the same thing I have felt understood because they have probably seen how much I was struggling and how much I am lost actually.

28/10/2024